Usmanov Shown Up as Arsenal ‘Become a Team (of Monkeys)’

Apathy is usually a brilliant way of making people ignore the crass injustices of our world. And what better way to ignite apathy than treat you all to a fine cuisine of first-class stuffings that will fatten all Arsenal fans up like gorillas to ignore the blatant lack of any proper football as international commitments arrive.

The starter for today is, fittingly, a hairless orangutan,  who has been caught out by the press with regards to his dubious diamond dealings. While he is not a defendant in the case (at least, this is what his PR firm tells us), the investigation concerns Usmanov being the chairman for the diamond company in question, AGD. All fun and games for the likes of Peter Hill-Wood, who have reiterated before that they dont want Usmanov around the club, given his murky financial history.

But enough of the gorilla. Kolo Toure has spoken out against Sunderland’s McShane’s tackle against Hleb in the last match which saw him receive a straight red. King Kolo Gorilla says:

The referee did well to send him off. The damage could have been a lot worse. I spoke to Alex afterwards in the dressing room and I said, ‘They want to kill you.’ He is such a great player. Teams want to stop him. But he is okay. He was having a massage afterwards and seemed alright.

There’s also an interview on Arsenal.com with Kolo, about how there’s a long way yet to go in this year’s title race, and for now, the team is taking it one game at a time. The stand-in captain had this to say:

Last season was much different. When we were 1-0 down and the other team was playing better than us it was really difficult for us to come back. Now we are patient and when we have the chance to score we do it and that’s good.

Gael ‘Spider-monkey’ Clichy reiterated this team-morale (it’s all rather repetitive, per usual), saying:

We did not win anything in the last two seasons. So we asked ourselves some questions. Last season we had difficulties against the ‘smaller’ teams. This season we have more trust in ourselves, we face the physical fight and we enjoy attacking. The state of mind has changed. Everyone wants to fight for his team-mate. We can go far.

Other news concerns injuries – more specifically, William Gallas’ bodily troubles. He has said that he is fit to play for France, and could even have played  against Sunderland (“but what about Senderoooos?”…). Gallas says:

Physically, everything is fine. I resumed training on Friday and I will be able to play with France on Saturday.

In other news, Adebayor has gone on about Arsenal’s ‘win at all costs’ mentality, and we’re apparently trialling some keeper soon.

Furthermore, if it interests you at all, you’ll be *very pleased* (irony? sarcasm?) to know that not only is Myles’ Arsenal News Review more fittingly ‘Other-teams-News-Review‘ with his new shiny colours, he’s also showering some splendorous praise upon the likes of that awful player known as Solomon Kalou. Tenacious? Misses chances but keeps going? Try labelling the much more effective Emmanuel Adebayor that, next time, Myles.

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6 Comments

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6 responses to “Usmanov Shown Up as Arsenal ‘Become a Team (of Monkeys)’

  1. Easy now, Solomon Kalou is a pretty good player. Whilst I think Adebayor deserves more credit than he receives I don’t think Kalou deserves to be knocked.

    Nice article though, mate. No offence intended!!

  2. besor

    kalou is shit!!

  3. jammathon

    I’ll promptly manipulate the weaknesses of democracy and cause a 2-against-1 majority, here. Kalou equals ‘no-no’.

  4. TonyB

    Agree completely about Ade.

    I’ve emailed Myles many times to complain about his campaign to discredit Ade, most notably when he said he would never be good enough to be an Arsenal player.

    Sweet revenge though, as he volleyed in that belter against the Spuds . . . 🙂

    Astonishingly, referred to that performance (in Adebayor terms) with,”one good game doesn’t make you a good player”.

    Well Myles, one article that doesn’t offend or land wider than the mark than a Kalou effort on goal, doesn’t make you a good blogger either.

    Enough!

  5. jammathon

    A double against Tottenham, penalty against Portsmouth and a hattrick against Derby. Admittedly all at home, but somehow Kalou’s goal against Wigan (snigger) makes him worthy of such praise?

    Where are the burning effagies, people?

  6. (artist formerly known as)eboue's hand

    I can only assume that Myles palmer’s page is all just a highly sophisticated exercise in irony, which none of us have managed to see through yet. He did once claim that Henry wasn’t good enough for Arsenal either. Clearly a very humorous man, that Myles.
    While kalou does look like a very handy player he lacks the spirit and power of Adebayor, as well as his ability to improvise- as seen against S***s.