A moment of clarity is needed. Something to break the ice between warring Arsenal fans, a compromise, a glimmer of rationality and reprieve. Despite allegiances to different blogs (a very new and bizzare banner to vehemently fall under), there is one thing that binds all Arsenal fans together – the desire to spend millions of pounds on a player. Any player. So long as it’s above the £15million mark. That’s what makes a ready-made superstar.
Now, we know Arsenal has its debts, structured though they may be. We know that the club we all claim to love and support has built its base on signing magnificent players of stature and mega-millions. We know the ones – the ones that glitter in the CGI montages in the UEFA Champions League ad-breaks; the ones who get Nike clothesline deals to stop them from joining ‘rival Adidas clubs’, etc. This is Arsenal. We deserve the best.
Now, we know that with the right signings, Arsenal can win the quadruple. It’s a God-given right (FFS). And it’s here that I turn to Tottenham Hotspur. Having recently acquired the signing of Luka Modric (a man who can singlehandedly win the Premier League on his own), they’ve now added to that the talent (well, he’s Mexican, and played for Barca..?) of that dos Santos chap. Two attacking midfielders. Played in the same XI? You tell me how that works.
Recently, Chelsea secured Bosingwa (a man who can singlehandedly win the Premier League on his own), Liverpool got themselves a Degan (a man who can singlehandedly win the Premier League on his own), and Manchester United are lining up Aaron Ramsey (a man – who singlehandedly – will win the Premier League on his own, one day. Guaranteed. No, seriously…)
At this point, Arsenal have only (finally) gotten hold of Carlos Vela after two long loan-spells in the Spanish part of the continent. Vela, incidently, is a man who – singlehandedly – will win the Premier League on his own, one day.
So how will Arsenal assert their divine right (rawr!) on the domestic and European leagues amidst all the anarchy of competing divine rights?
Third-Gen has the answer. Replace the chaff with the wheat.
- Goalie: Manuel Almunia is shit. Sure, he only saved a penalty that effectively won us a North London Derby, and made little mistakes to speak of, but still. He’s rubbish. Why? Well, because he’s rubbish. Lo and behold, the contemporary edition of ‘A Rationale Argument’. He’s no Buffon. Or Frey. Or Stuart Taylor. And he is certainly no Robert Pires. We need a top class goalie. The ones that wear capes on the pitch. And shoot lightning from their arse. If he can serve pancakes, then that’s an added bonus.
- Defenders: Its a moot point that Sagna and Clichy are irreplaceable. Afterall, if the PFA team of the year put them in along the flanks, they must be good. It’s the centre of defence that I’m worried about. I know for a fact that Gallas and Toure are just not good enough together. So. We need some SUPERSTAR defenders (because SUPERSTAR is a nice word). I like Mertesacker. I’ve been doing some quintessential Gunners-fan-I-swear-I-am scouting on the German, and my indepth research has satisfied me into concluding he is exactly what we need. Believe me, I know much more than the Economics-Masters degree graduate Wenger and his worldwide scouting network. Click here for the fruits of my labour. Similarly, Kompany or Mexes will do just fine.
- Midfield: Flamini is gone, Hleb is very likely, and Rosicky is injury prone. Consider the midfield a SATIRE FREE ZONE. We need a midfielder (Nasri?), some beef (Toure, but Im not one to fall for all the ‘well known names’ as likely candidates, and a bit of depth in the form of another utility player. YOU ARE NOW EXITING THE SATIRE-FREE ZONE.
- Attack: Adebayor. What can one say? I will not be convinced. The man is rubbish. PFA or no PFA. 30 goals could have been 80, last season. He’s no Thierry Henry, and he certainly is no David Villa. We just HAVE to have Villa, and while you’re out shopping, get us a Huntelaar, a Gomes, and a Robinho. Yeah! Take that, Ade. You disloyal misser of goals who we conveniently highlight to ignore the fact that the league was lost by our defence (MERTESACKER FOREVER). Apparently we have about five other strikers as well, so the three signings in this department should provide good competition, and guarantee we swipe -our- League Cup from the Scum!
Phew. I think that about covers it. My team for next season:
Defence: Sagna, Mertesacker, Mexes, Clichy.
Midfield: Quaresma. Y.Toure. Fabregas. Robinho.
Strikers: Huntelaar. Villa.
Subs: Kameni, K.Toure, Veloso, Mario Gomes, Jammathon.
I hear there’s another typical Wenger-signing on his way, the next Eduardo (because he’s South African but [wants] to play for Australia). There’s mixed spelling across the forums, but I believe in his native Seth Efrican tongue, his name is properly spelt as Jimmefon (a man who can singlehandedly win the Premier League on his own).
Oh, and replace Wenger with Frank Rjikaard.
That will make us the club the envy of the world.