EXCLUSIVE! Arsenal to sign Michaels, John and Farrokh Bulsara

A quick post today, but I had to act fast to ensure I bring to you breaking news I have come across thanks to several, extremely-reliable sources of mine.

It has been brought to my attention by sources from within the club that Arsenal are set to make a sensational swoop for three absolutely ***fabulous*** ‘players’.

Although definitely on the older side (but hey, WE WANT EXPERIENCE, DONT WE?), these bonafide artistes will fit straight into the Arsene Wenger mode of play, in their lyrical genius both on the field and their truly exuberant, masterful skills in playing the game.

Although it’s not certain what positions they will play, it is certain that superstars Michaels, John and the lesser known Farrokh Bulsara will get the pulses of all Arsenal ‘fans’ racing to orgasmic levels.

I for one, cannot wait for Arsene to sign the dotted line ASAP. Afterall, it’s June 4 already! We cannot be seen to be lagging behind the likes of Liverpool, Chelsea and Manchester United, who have all made their signings already. Well, my trusted sources tell me they have. Honest.

I think the point of the whole shindig is that these three ‘players’ are guys we REALLY CAN GET EXCITED ABOUT. VERY, VERY EXCITED. You know…capital letters are awesome things. They’re wonderful for use in acronyms, starting sentences…but most of all, they’re just great for adding desperately needed credibility to everything I say.

Arsene Wenger! Quit holidaying in Italy, or France, or wherever it is you’re taking an ill-deserved break. There is no rest for the Championship manager! I know some people differ in opinion to me, but we’re all Arsenal fans in the end, aren’t we? (Perhaps I should add an ‘FFS’ at the end of that, to reveal the passion inert within my plea?) I’m just saying what I feel will improve THE CLUB WE ALL LOVE, which involves THREE MEGA, MEGA SIGNINGS to ANNOUNCE OUR INTENT.

And frankly with signings like George MICHAELS, Elton JOHN and FARROKH BULSARA (with a name like that, how could you not get onto youtube?), who would not be needing a cold shower at this point? Like all PROPER-TRUE-GOOONERS, I love it when we sign EXCITING players. Rawr!

Disclaimer: Loving Arsenal means loving the values it stands for. Wenger was enamoured by the club upon taking up the position as manager of Arsenal. Wenger stands by those values of conducting our affairs in a classy way, in persevering, in showing patience, and generally, not being debt-ridden chumps like the Glazers and Abramovic.

Disclaimer: ‘Announcing our intent’ does not involve signing David Villa, or the looks-very-mediocre-on-youtube Nasri or Ben Arfa. It involves playing for the title, like Arsenal always have done, doing things the same way they have done for years. Quietly, patiently, secretly. If you want a club that constantly ‘announces its intent’, go support Spurs – the club destined for big things by aiming for fourth spot, year in, year out.

Tirade: Tired of the Bullshitting Wenger? Go support all those other clubs, whose managers have never made a mistake once in their life.

One more disclaimer: If you really do ‘get excited’ by David Villa, Samir Nasri, et al – you really do have exotic tastes as a human being. Which is perfectly fine, of course. Just so long as you are well aware of it.